If there is anything at all that I have gained from this year it's actually just self-awareness um idk how else to put it but yeah. Like it's taken me all year but really I am just extremely disorganised and unmotivated and even though I'm normally a positive person I manage to make the worst out of the best situations and I have a bad habit of distancing myself from the people who are generally closest to me. And this year has, as a large generalisation, been complete utter shit. I've fucked up so many things this year and I am very aware of that and you have no idea how much I regret the majority of 2011. But as each day passes it gets one day closer to when I finally feel better or something. So I guess that's something. I mean some time I'd just like to explain to just one person everything that has ever bothered me and everything that has gone wrong and just be 100% honest because I've never told the whole truth to anyone before and the only time I talk to people who aren't trained in the field about problems is over the internet and that's sufficiently easier than actually voicing it.
And yeah look I feel like shit but right now that's only because school is making me feel pathetic and stupid and I pretty much am for the state I've let my work ethic get to. But I just do not think I'm going to ever get any worse than this, unless there's something else horrible about to happen to me which I very much doubt. I mean of course I could get bad again but I just doubt it so so much. I've been at my lowest point and I'm just coming back from it now and I can feel things starting to get better, really, despite how bad this whole slab of stupid may make it sound. I mean shit still sucks so much but well idk look I'm not even going to write it in some cryptic way because I'm just too tired to bother. But basically the desire that used to be there every waking moment to just want to kill myself isn't there constantly anymore. Yep. That was sort of blunt oops sorry but I'm just being honest so there you have it. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't still cross my mind but once you finally realise how serious death actually is, it tends to be a bit harder to consider it. I can thank a lot of things for that but this post is bad enough without going off on some dumb tangent about how much things mean to me and I'm not really in the mood to do that anyway so. Basically the only point I'm trying to make with this is that I am so fucking sick of feeling shit and I'm pretty ready to move on from this but it's not going to happen immediately because that's not how things work. And a lot of issues aren't just going to go away right now. There are still so many unresolved problems that are the reason I feel like this but I'll get to them at some point in time and some of them aren't even my doing. I just want to start over again, really. I'm really kind of afraid of new things and change but yeah it has to happen somehow because I don't want to get any worse. Feeling sad and miserable and sorry for yourself is just a lot easier than making effort to be happy. Sad emo Camille has never spoken truer words ok and with that I am done jesus fucking christ I'm sorry for that but I just had to write something idk man idk sorry
And I, I am not into the idea of being without you
And no, this won't be a sad song
There's gonna be claps and singing along
'Cause sad song's about now well, that would just feel wrong
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