merry christmas various people

I dedicate this day to donnie darko and IT crowd and the smashing pumpkins and consuming a dangerous amount of chocolate and painting things that is all ok I refuse to be sad today (◕‿◕✿)

I wonder how long it will be until I become overwhelmed by embarrassment at the thought of this blog's url and the background I just changed it to

throws self down flight of stairs because evan peters

Holidays are so nice so far I mean wait no idk a couple days were really bad but yknow it's nothing compared to school :-) oops I'm not going to think about that yeah ok
actually my sleep has been terrible but I'm not going to complain because I love holidays more than I appreciate my family ha
I've just been drawing and writing and music playing and playing too many video games and buying things aND WATCHING SO MUCH AMERICAN HORRROR STORY GOOD LORD IT'S PERFECT and then getting sad but then being happy again and yeah
I haven't really felt like doing a lot of things so I feel bad for turning down offers to go out and do things but I would rather just not do social things
except today I went to jordan's house and he got his nose piereced for like the 3rd time and he CRIED omg ok remember that and use it as blackmail
and then we watched release the bats which is like all this old footage pete wentz had from the fob days in like 2005 ahhhhhh it's so disgusting but it's nice because pete is a huge faggot and he's perfect idk but it's so gross oh my god pete drinks his own piss and I just kind of watched in horror
anyway I am buying art supplies tomorrow and then cleaning my room and yeah
also I've been listening to from under the cork tree all day aw

Ok you can hold me to my word on this ok if American Horror Story pulls a Twilight and it is suddenly really uncool to like it in any way whatsoever then I would just like to state now that it is really perfect and if I deny it in the future then I am lying. A lot.
Ahhhh it's like almost 3 and I'm really hungry and I'm watching all these interviews with Evan Peters and he's so perfect and idk I want to go get food but our house is dark and always sounds much more alive at this time of night/morning and yeah no I am not leaving my room now because paranoia ha HA oh well

I am oh so grateful this year is finally coming to an end
Right now I just feel

I don't know

I feel content and really relaxed and I've sort of forgotten what this feels like

It's pleasantly strange

I do not want Grace to leave no no no Camille will sad

Today was

really really really nice

like this afternoon

just made me really happy

I'm doing that thing again where I separate words

by

pressing

enter

ok

I'm

done

Some corrupt government should record someone with a really annoying voice reading out every single post on every blog I've ever made on blogger and play it to terrorists and other bad people as a form of torture

you know that feeling you get right before you throw up

where your mouth feels all weird and you're just like SHIT I'M GOING TO THROW UP AH BATHROOM OR SOMETHING AHHHH NO

that is the worst

especially when you're in class

or in a car

or anywhere that isn't a bathroom

This is probably an inappropriate post to make after watching Requiem For A Dream last night but really I wish Thursday would come already so they can get around to giving me those pills that are supposed to make things better already because it's been like 4 months I mean come on what are you doing and I'm starting to depend on the idea of them making me feel better

More importantly my psychiatrist is apparently so booked up it's taken months to get a hold of him and aside from Thursday he's booked up until mid January so um ok

I feel sad because there are so many people with things wrong with them

That is bad

I feel bad for people

I also feel bad for people who have to put up with me because yeah I am sorry a lot I know I am not very good at doing things right and being a nice person and things

I don't want to be at school and I don't want to be at home idk can I befriend scene kids and live on Flinders steps because that seems like a simple way of life y'know getting back to basics and living off McDonalds and goon and taking my parents money for hairspray and neon clothing

Yep

Sounds like a plan

What would you actually do if I suddenly became scene omg

Why do I read creepy fucking ghost stories right before I got to sleep omfg I'm going to die jesus christ I need Jack's Mannequin or Cobra or something loud and happy so I don't freak out oh my god

But they're such good stories sigh I want to read more omg I'd post them here but I'd probably make someone cry coughfranicough

I have so much love for donnie darko and so much love for the breakfast club as well. They are literally two of the best movies ever except well ok donnie darko is the best thing in the whole world. I think I am going to watch that over and over again like I used to since I actually have a copy of it now yay

So hey yeah I had like my last therapy session with this lady who I sort of liked but hated a lot at the same time and basically all I've gained from a year of hour long sessions is a deep self-loathing and being extremely aware of all my flaws

idk that doesn't sound too good

oh WELL who cares now I only have to deal with strange psychiatrist man who is really old but nice and also bald I think I can't remember oops

I'm so tired I can't sleep

Sometimes I forget that people do in fact grow up and change and because of that I am extremely shocked and confused when I realise they're not the same person they were a week ago

Change is an unpleasant thing when you're not very good at dealing with it

I really really like when it's overcast and rainy and nice and you can just stay in your house and listen to the rain and if you leave your windows open everything smells like rain and there's lightning and it's just really nice ahhh I love winter no summer go away please.

I need to find some amount of money right now so I can buy comic books or I'm going to cry because I am craving captain america or hellboy or something seriously man I am in a comic book drought right now and it's TERRIBLE

pretty sure I could pwn ur ass if u competed against me for fastest mood swings lmfao!!!

I just stared at the screen for such a long period of time but I literally have nothing of value to say

at all

ok

You know what's weird

at the start of this year I wasn't able to talk about anything at all like I was so uncomfortable with talking about anything related to me

like even over the internet

and now I mean I hate talking about myself but I'm not going to fall down and have a cry every time I'm forced to

it's

weird

insert stupid lyrics here about change or something idk

oh hey this is fun little surprise I have to see my therapist tomorrow

ha ha fun things

can't I just write a paragraph on my feelings and hand it to someone and make them read it and that will count as therapy idk I just hate talking it's awful I don't like using my voicebox especially when I'm asked to talk for a whole hour about myself it's just too much man and I feel like such a prick talking about myself I mean that's the idea of the whole therapy business but still and um this sentence is really long hm

I'm going to stay up all night so I'm really angry and tired in the morning so I'll just blurt out stupid things and not care. Ok sounds like a plan

Aw I feel so nice this is such a relief omfg actually I feel a bit sick now but that's probably because I just ate all the food in the house ok I was so hungry. You have no idea how shit the past couple weeks have been in terms of eating because I just have barely been able to ingest anything like even fucking water without feeling like I'm going to throw up or actually throwing up oOPS TOO MUCH INFORMATION :-)

anyway look a photo of Brent Wilson with dogs see this is what he does with his life now

sometimes I cry because I scroll down this blog and I see a huge slab of writing and then feel like going back in time and beating up melodramatic camille look I'm sorry I don't know why I made that post it's really unpleasant on the eyes

Remember in year eight when we blogged consistently with irrelevant pictures that were sometimes on the left or right

yeah same

reese's peanut butter cups saved my life

they're really good but then you eat more than one and you're like hEY I NEED TO THROW UP WOW THEY ARE SO RICH but if you're anything like me you keep eating them until you have to sit down and cry because you're so overwhelmed by the peanut butter but in the end it's worth it because

well

deliciousness.

hey so is it acceptable to walk into an oral tomorrow and just ask for an N/A

no

okay

well I don't know how to speak german so hm

I feel sick just thinking about fucking peanut butter cups omg I'm going to throw up I ate so many in such a small space of time tonight

and

my heart hurts because I love you so much sigh gabe

jesus christ I feel so sick it feels like I'm about to throw up every vital organ in my body except I've felt like this one and off for two weeks oh my god just make it stop

frani i'm calling the water police

hello

irrelevant post because too lazy and sick and bad lmao ok

goodbye

the problem with blogger is I look back on posts I made a night ago and I almost pass out from all the overwhelming embarrassment at myself

you beef six

do u get it

shut up just let me be a huge faggot ok I'm not forcing you to read this lmao!!!!

If there is anything at all that I have gained from this year it's actually just self-awareness um idk how else to put it but yeah. Like it's taken me all year but really I am just extremely disorganised and unmotivated and even though I'm normally a positive person I manage to make the worst out of the best situations and I have a bad habit of distancing myself from the people who are generally closest to me. And this year has, as a large generalisation, been complete utter shit. I've fucked up so many things this year and I am very aware of that and you have no idea how much I regret the majority of 2011. But as each day passes it gets one day closer to when I finally feel better or something. So I guess that's something. I mean some time I'd just like to explain to just one person everything that has ever bothered me and everything that has gone wrong and just be 100% honest because I've never told the whole truth to anyone before and the only time I talk to people who aren't trained in the field about problems is over the internet and that's sufficiently easier than actually voicing it.

And yeah look I feel like shit but right now that's only because school is making me feel pathetic and stupid and I pretty much am for the state I've let my work ethic get to. But I just do not think I'm going to ever get any worse than this, unless there's something else horrible about to happen to me which I very much doubt. I mean of course I could get bad again but I just doubt it so so much. I've been at my lowest point and I'm just coming back from it now and I can feel things starting to get better, really, despite how bad this whole slab of stupid may make it sound. I mean shit still sucks so much but well idk look I'm not even going to write it in some cryptic way because I'm just too tired to bother. But basically the desire that used to be there every waking moment to just want to kill myself isn't there constantly anymore. Yep. That was sort of blunt oops sorry but I'm just being honest so there you have it. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't still cross my mind but once you finally realise how serious death actually is, it tends to be a bit harder to consider it. I can thank a lot of things for that but this post is bad enough without going off on some dumb tangent about how much things mean to me and I'm not really in the mood to do that anyway so. Basically the only point I'm trying to make with this is that I am so fucking sick of feeling shit and I'm pretty ready to move on from this but it's not going to happen immediately because that's not how things work. And a lot of issues aren't just going to go away right now. There are still so many unresolved problems that are the reason I feel like this but I'll get to them at some point in time and some of them aren't even my doing. I just want to start over again, really. I'm really kind of afraid of new things and change but yeah it has to happen somehow because I don't want to get any worse. Feeling sad and miserable and sorry for yourself is just a lot easier than making effort to be happy. Sad emo Camille has never spoken truer words ok and with that I am done jesus fucking christ I'm sorry for that but I just had to write something idk man idk sorry

How I, I am not into the idea of living without you
And I, I am not into the idea of being without you
And no, this won't be a sad song
There's gonna be claps and singing along
'Cause sad song's about now well, that would just feel wrong

#ThingsIHate #PeopleWhoUseHashTagsWhenThey'reNotOnTwitter #WhatTheFuckIsWrongWithYou #I'mLookingAtYouFrani

When staring at the ceiling has lost its fun,

There's nothing to do but worry what your mind will fabricate tonight

ok i'm sorry 30h!3 are just fun ok i don't like them seriously omg don't hate me

I'm sorry there are things wrong with me at 3 in the morning I'm sorry you had to read that post

In other news

sigh ok

I was walking home and I started thinking about the fact that Anna isn't going to be at school anymore and I felt really really sad and I wanted to cry and these days I associate wanting to cry with TAI so thEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT TAI AND THEN I WAS LIKE JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH OH MY GOD SOMEONE SAVE ME

but then I came home and ate a mango and I'm watching Freaks & Geeks now so all is well.

I'm going to play some more guitar tonight yep I like the fact I'm getting good at it again this is nice.

IT FEELS RIGHT ALL THESE ASPHYXIATED SELF-MEDICATED TAKE THE WHITE PILL YOU'LL FEEL ALRIIIIGHT

I'm sorry omfg I'm listening to 30h!3 and it's almost 3am and I know all the words and I haven't listened to them in at least 2 years someone help me

look at my life look at my choices/what am I doing with my life/my life is a downward spiral of shame etc etc etc idk

I'm going to go make some food man idk I'm not sleepy at all hm I could go some kind of delicious burger right now but that's kind of inaccessible oh well

This was a very necessary post yeah!!!!

more exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow will be Anna's last day at Carey and idk I'm so happy she's going to Swinburne but also I am immensely sad and yeah sigh I'm going to miss her a lot even though she'll be like just down the road

/deep melodramatic emo sigh/

the world is a vampire, sent to drain

Things aren't very clear anymore I mean I want help and I want people to listen to me and help me but I also want to be left completely alone and not be bothered by anyone or anything

idk I'm feeling suddenly emotional and stupid oops I'm going to keep listening to perfect Smashing Pumpkins because perfect yeah ok bye

I guess my mind wanders off from time to time. Sometimes I convince myself that all this fight in the world, It's not mine. Why should I have to try? To fix things I didn't create or contrive. Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow? Or to you is it just not real? Cause you got your own things.

Have the habits, had you? Has it been for long? Can you feel the souls behind what's going on?

I just screamed because Frani's joke and then my brother came into my room and told me to shut up omg no Max what are you doing why are you being assertive what

help i'm drowning in sickness why is this happening now of all times WHY WHY WHY

It's really really funny when I finish all my work and then because my computer has run out of space it deletes half of my documents and pretty much deletes every recent piece of work I had on my computer since about August and yeah wOW COOL it's funny because I actually tried for once oops wow um I think I should be more upset than I am

I'm more upset because my bookmarks are gone

sigh

except they deleted themselves like two days ago but now my documents decided to delete themselves just now um what???

sorry omg I was reading really sad things last night and I felt really sick sorry for emo!!!!!!

Anyway holla I'm sick and I'm not going to school today but I've decided I'm going to do my work because I'm never going to get any better at doing work if I don' t try so this is me trying yay be proud

I'm quite sick and quite awake

I just want to get out of here and get out of this house and school and this place and just go somewhere else and just feel something else because everything feels the same now and I can't tell each day from the next.

they all just blend into one big mass of boring

I just really want to shut down

I don't want to think about anything

I don't want to have to try or make an effort

I just want it to stop

But I'm not going to do anything about it

I just want to fall asleep and dream about whatever I want and be perfectly content in my dream. Except that doesn't happen, because I'm still haunted for whatever reason by those dreams that don't bear any relevance to my life yet there they are in my subconscious.

So there's nowhere left to go, that I can really escape to

And I don't know what to do about that

Because avoiding all my problems is what I do best

well

A long time ago, the voice was at a pathetic excuse for a whisper. The sound of the most miniscule insect could mask the voice. But the voice of whatever being was there, somewhere, hiding. You could cast your eyes away from it and instead focus on the sunsets and the rainbows. But it was always there, like an ugly and neglected creature, festering in the corners of your imagination. Some days the sunsets and the rainbows weren’t bright enough to make the creature crawl shy away, back into the dark crevice of your mind. Some days the whole world was dark. On the worst days the creature would come out and throw a black sheet over everything. On those days, nothing mattered and nothing made sense to you. Everyone was angry and sad and things seemed simply wrong. You felt out of place. Yet you could find the seams; the stitching, the lining of the black sheet, the end of the masquerade. You could lift it up and all the bright things and the happy things returned. And there it was, the happy sunsets-and-rainbows world. A simplistic world. The sun would always be shining on the coldest of days and there was always a bird outside your window singing bright yellows and oranges. You would wake up to the scent of a thousand flowers and the first breath you took was laced with the infectious toxins of joy. Oh how nice it was to find the end to that sheet that, some days, would hold itself so firmly over your life, hiding all the colours from you. You could laugh and paint and sing and feel free and not controlled, a creation of your mind’s colourful visage. Your mind raced constantly, buzzing with ideas and thoughts and emotions.

But day after day, that nagging, rude creature in your mind kept crawling out of its corner and dragging that black sheet over your world. And it kept happening. You became tired of having to get on your hands and knees searching for hours for the end of the fabric but to no avail. You became frustrated; angry at the dark world you were becoming all too familiar with. You did not want to become so absorbed by your feelings but the creature that once sat quietly in the corner, only sometimes lashing out, was growing more and more confident, more able to take control of you and constrict its cruel arms around you.

my blog looks emo :-----( I need a background hmMM

Why do I get the feeling Pete is still going to be attractive in ten years idk

omfg look though I'm so happy for him aw with his new girlfriend and everything aw aw aw

today was just really good for me ok I've had a shitty past couple weeks I mean I've had a shitty year but things have been really bad the past couple weeks but today was helpful a lot yeah

I love anna and jordan and molly and tHINGS

Today was actually so fucking wonderful omfg I live for the weekend sigh it's my livelihood

I went to Anna's and it was all hot and she was redecorating her room and HER HAIR IS PINK OMG and she put up this really nice poster of Fall Out Boy and Pete looked so fucking good oh my god anyway yeah. Then Molly came and I met Molly and she is so great and her hair is fabulous hm. Then we discussed cds and things and Jordan arrived and he was angry and sweaty but then he was less angry and we took stupid photos and I laughed. And then we went swimming and by that I mean we sat by the pool and Jordan jumped in and then got out.

And then omfg we went to that Hobo place on Glenferrie Rd that my parent's friends own and it's actually so nice and Anna bought colourful things to go with her hair but while she was doing that we just looked through the reject pile and I was sobbing because it was actually so terrible there were these like leather heels and leather shorts and a weird fur vest and this thing that was brown and long and should've been a dress but it was too terrible omg

And then we ate food and then I saw Maddie STAFFORD OMFG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO REMEMBER HER NAME ALL AFTERNOON yeah she was wearing an orange dress and she was orange herself I had a bit of a laugh

Things are nice on weekends I like them a lot

so this happened today

I started screaming because William Beckett

he thinks I'm sweet

ha

ha

life is fantASTIC

hi

idk I just want to blog well this time around

also my old url was siginifcantly embarrassing even though it was intentionally stupid